Title: "The Tragicomic Misadventures of Seth Dickfield"
INT. PODCAST STUDIO - DAY
Our protagonists, HOST 1 and HOST 2, sit in a dimly lit studio, preparing to record their latest podcast episode. The atmosphere is somber, as they've just received some tragic news.
HOST 1 (sighs) We just had some terrible news, man. Total bummer.
HOST 2 (nods) Yeah, I know this is gonna be weird, but let's be responsible and honor what we're about to say. No jokes, okay?
HOST 1 Alright, no jokes. I do feel partially responsible, though. I guess I was kinda mean to him, but it was a freak accident.
HOST 1 hesitates for a moment, then begins to tell the story of their friend SETH DICKFIELD, who died in a bizarre accident while on vacation in Europe.
HOST 2 (interrupting) Wait, you're talking about Seth, who came on the podcast sometimes? I never met him, but we had quite an intense back and forth.
HOST 1 (confirms) Yeah, that's him. He was visiting Auschwitz, just to see the sights and take it in, and he slipped on a banana peel and cracked his head open on one of those novelty penny smashing machines.
HOST 2 (tries to suppress laughter) Oh no, that's a... a really unfortunate way to go.
HOST 1 (serious) Yeah, it's not funny. Especially considering he's not even Jewish. We shouldn't make jokes about it.
As they continue discussing Seth's tragic death, they struggle to maintain a serious tone, and the conversation takes an increasingly absurd turn.
HOST 2 (stifling laughter) There's nothing funny about Anton Yelchin being crushed by his Jeep while trying to check his mail by driving over himself.
HOST 1 (agrees) It's not funny. And it's not funny that there's a Holocaust-themed steakhouse either.
The door to the studio opens, and in walks RALPH ROUSKY, Seth's cousin, a larger-than-life character who is both mourning and eager to celebrate his cousin's life.
RALPH ROUSKY (excited) Hey, everybody! I'm here to send Seth off. My beautiful cousin, Seth.
HOST 1 (nervously) Hey, Ralph, we're glad you could join us.
RALPH ROUSKY (teary-eyed) This is the saddest day of my life since my team lost the big game. But you know what they say: the good ones always go early.
HOST 2 (sympathetically) That's true, Ralph. The good ones always go early.
As the podcast continues, Ralph shares stories of Seth's life, adding humor and heart to the otherwise tragic tale. The hosts and Ralph grapple with the challenge of honoring their friend's memory while also finding humor in the absurdity of life and death.
INT. PODCAST STUDIO - DAY The conversation with RALPH ROUSKY continues, as he opens up about the pain of losing his cousin SETH DICKFIELD.
RALPH ROUSKY (angry) I just lost my baby cousin, and I'm grieving! You know the seven stages of grief? I'm getting close to number three right now.
HOST 1 (apologetic) I'm sorry, Ralph. We're here for you.
RALPH ROUSKY (sarcastically) Now we gotta find a new gay cousin to make fun of. Maybe it's gonna be my cousin Mark, who cried during 9/11. That's not the kind of family we are. We're a vengeance family. We found some Sikhs and beat them up afterwards. We don't cry about that stuff.
HOST 2 (curious) Is there going to be a funeral for Seth?
RALPH ROUSKY (confident) Yeah, there's gonna be a funeral. We're gonna stuff his body up into a crab cake and get him taxidermied. We'll put him in Uncle Mark's den, his favorite place to visit, with a Steelers jersey on and give him the finger, just like for people's sake. That's how we want to remember him, as a guy we mess with.
HOST 1 (surprised) Was he a big Steelers fan?
RALPH ROUSKY (laughing) No, he wasn't. We would actually hold him down and toss Steelers memorabilia onto him, then send him out into the streets of Baltimore and tell people he loved the Steelers. People would commit acts of hate against him, and also he would tell them he was gay.
HOST 2 (sympathetic) I know it's tough in a tragedy like this that you feel like you were robbed of the opportunity to say goodbye. If you could say something to Seth right now, what would you say?
RALPH ROUSKY (smiling) I would say, Seth, don't be doing no gay stuff in heaven, yo. Because I'm about to be up there finger-popping some girls, and if Marilyn Monroe hears that I got a gay, fake Jew cousin, that might mess my game up.
HOST 1 (interested) So, you're going for Marilyn Monroe in heaven?
RALPH ROUSKY (grinning) Yeah, Marilyn Monroe and this cross-eyed black girl from Dundalk High School that passed away in junior year. She once did me a favor behind the Mars while I was eating burger cookies. You know, go back for doubles. The podcast continues with Ralph's outrageous stories, as the hosts and Ralph find humor and healing in the face of tragedy.
FADE OUT.